


On the Discovery Channel

by BlueMinuet



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Crack Pairing, F/M, Hermaphroditic Trolls, Jake: Let's do it, Knifeplay, Nepeta: Yes. And I will leave my claws on, Porn With Plot, Post-Sburb/Sgrub, Sex, a little plot at least, no bloodplay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-19
Updated: 2013-01-19
Packaged: 2017-11-26 03:10:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/645897
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueMinuet/pseuds/BlueMinuet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jake and his co-host Nepeta explore the wilderness of Alterniearth for <em>Adventure Show</em>, the best new nature show on TV. </p>
<p>And then they have sex.</p>
            </blockquote>





	On the Discovery Channel

**Author's Note:**

> I… I could try to explain this, but there is no way this will ever make sense to anyone.  
> I was having a massive amount of writers block, and just wanted to work on something different. Then I listened to The Bad Touch by Bloodhound Gang and wrote this.
> 
> I apologize for nothing.

**> Shit, let’s be on the Discovery Channel  
> Play the show theme song**

_It’s Nep the Troll, and Jake the Human. The adventure never ends: Adventure Show!_

**> This is very silly **

“Hello, everyone. It’s time for a new Adventure Show, with me and my co-adventurer and troll-pal Nep,” Jake says to the camera, wandering through a forest. “We’re in the wilderness on the northern continent known as New North America. What is it called for trolls, Nep?” 

“ _taDmoH ghe'tor_ ,” she says. 

“Truly a beautiful language.” 

“It means ‘frozen hell,’” Nepeta says, cheerily bouncing ahead of him. 

Jake stops in his tracks, staring at her. “Interesting, but I think we’re probably going to have to bleep that out.”

Nepeta just giggles. 

Jake pulls out his machete. “Alright, while I clear a path, how about you tell everyone a little bit about the animals here?”

“Sounds like a purrfect plan, Jake,” Nepeta says. She moves to stand directly in front of the camera and pulls out a map from her coat. “Now, as you can see, we’re up here, where it gets all cold and yucky for the winter. But luckily, it’s starting to get warmer now that spring is here. And since it’s warmer, there will be a lot of new furry friends out and about.

“Now, as some of you know, the continents are named in relation to how close they are in location and climate to those on our old planets. So, New North America has fauna that is purrty similar to that of North America on Old Earth. But, because the only places that got this cold on Alternia were the uninhabited poles of the planet, we won’t be seeing many Alternian species here. Except fur meowby the rare Abominable Snowtroll.” 

“I don’t think those are real, Nep,” Jake says, hacking at a few branches.

Nepeta giggles. “Well, we’ll never find one with that attitude.”

Jake laughs, but stops swinging his machete. “Weird. This brush looks thicker than it did when I started. A lot darker and browner. In fact, some of it doesn’t even look like branches and twigs.”

Jake reaches out to poke at the brush with a finger. He pushes past the tangled branches, to the background fluff that almost looks like fur. His poking finger soon proves that it is fur. The ensuing growl proves that whatever the fur belongs to is also angry. 

The ensuing bear attack knocks out the camera, leaving only a series of screams, growls, and hisses recorded on the camera.

* * *

You are now Jake English, and you are trying to get comfortable on your sleeping bag. 

You don’t really want to go to sleep or anything, but your co-troll buddy has assured you that if you don’t lie down and rest, she will beat you until you are unconscious. She said this in a very chipper manner, and there were likely many cat puns involved. 

You hardly even notice this anymore. The sweetly spoken mentions of violence and cat puns are all commonplace to you now. 

More than a year ago you started this nature show, and the producers insisted that you have a troll co-host. At first you weren’t so sure, since you hardly knew Nepeta. Now, you couldn’t imagine doing this show without her. 

You co-troll climbs into the tent with you and zips the flap behind her. Your crew has a trailer that they bring along and stay in wherever you travel. But you didn’t like the idea of sleeping in luxury. You love nature and camping, and you feel like if you didn’t sleep outdoors during the show it would be like lying to your fans. You were positively ecstatic to learn that your adventure-cohort felt the same way. 

She drops a first aid kit next to you, and pulls off her green coat. 

“I knew the purrduction crew had more bandages,” she says, smiling.

With her coat off, you can see her gloves, and the wickedly sharp retractable blades that are attached to them. You always felt a little nervous about her being armed to the teeth, especially in such a literal way, but you have to admit that things would have gone worse today if she hadn’t been armed with them. 

She sits next you and opens the kit. “I think it’s about time to change your bandages.” 

She reaches out to your bandaged arm with one hand, while the other extends a single one of her claws. 

“Oh, Nep. Don’t worry about me,” you tell her as she moves the blade closer. “Really, I can take care of it myself.” 

“Nonsense,” she says. She blinks at you, and seems to notice you looking at her claw. “Unless, you don’t trust me.”

“What? No, of course I trust you.” You are afraid, but you know it’s completely silly. You hold out your arm to her. “If it wasn’t for you, I’d likely have more than a scratch on my arm.”

It’s just… you can’t stop thinking about her using those claws. She’s a sight to behold when she’s in action. Muscles that you otherwise wouldn’t even notice she has spring into action, and she’s suddenly a blur. She looks small, but she’s ferocious. The bear that attacked you had no idea what was coming. Poor thing. 

If she didn’t like you, you wouldn’t stand a chance. 

With the precision of a surgeon, she takes her claw and cuts off your old bandages without so much as nicking your skin. She throws the bloodied bandages into the trash and examines your arm. 

“It looks better already,” she comments, grabbing some disinfectant. “The crew was afraid we’d have to pack up and bring you to the hospurrtal, but I don’t think we’ll need to.” 

“I definitely don’t want that,” you say. “Hospitals are not my cup of tea. Besides, I’m not going to back away from adventure just because of a little scratch.”

She smiles. “I knew you’d feel that way.” 

She begins dabbing the cut with disinfectant and you wince. 

“Also, thank you again,” you tell her. “If it wasn’t for you, my goose would be cooked.” 

“Goose?” she asks, tilting her head to the side. “That sounds purrfectly delicious. Why can’t we cook it?” 

“Oh, no. There’s no goose. It’s just a figure of speech,” you explain. “What I mean is, if you hadn’t helped out there, I’d probably be dead.” 

She laughs. “That’s purrposterous, Jake. You would have found a way to get away from that mean old bear.” 

“Well, maybe,” you say, grinning. “But I couldn’t have done what you did. Fighting off a full grown bear. You’re just something else, Nep.” 

Her face flushes green. The first time you saw her blush, you were confused for quite some time. It looked strange to you, but now it seems cute. 

She always blushes when you compliment her. 

You realize she’s done with your bandages, and she lets go of your arm. You move your hand, testing how secure the wrapping is. 

“Another job well done, Nep,” you tell her. “You make a good medic as well as a fighter.” 

She smiles and her blush darkens. “Thanks, Jake. Back on Alternia, you had to be able to take care of yourself.”

You watch her as she repacks the first aid kit. There’s just something about watching way she moves. Her muscles twitch as she moves, as if she’s slowing herself down. You know she can move like the wind when she needs to. 

You look up to her face, and the messy hair curled around her face. You have makeup staff that hates dealing with that hair. No matter what’s done to it, it knots and tangles in defiance of being tamed. They custom made her a safari hat just so they could hide most of it with something other than her blue kitty hat. 

You really like it though, the way it twists and curls, framing her face just so. The way she flips it when she smiles, and reveals those two wickedly sharp fangs and…

Good lord, when did you start thinking about your co-pal like this?

You decide not to devote much thought to that and reach out to brush some of that messy hair out of her face. 

“Jake?” she asks as you tuck her hair behind her ear. 

Sometimes adventure means doing things and not knowing how they’ll turn out. Things like leaning over and kissing your co-troll’s cheek. 

“I just… umm… Thanks,” you mutter dumbly. Smooth, English. So smooth. 

Apparently smoother than you though, because she leans over and kisses you back. This time on the lips. 

Part of your mind is devoted to thinking about how troll lips feel different than human lips; smooth, rubbery, and slightly cold. Another part of your mind dimly registers that one of her fangs is digging into your lower lip. The vast majority of your brain, however, is focused on holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit what the fuck holy shit. 

You both break away slowly, and you dab your bloody lip with a finger. 

“Oh, my goodness, Jake. Did I hurt you?” she asks. Meanwhile, you can see your blood on her fang. She licks the tooth clean and… you can’t seem convince yourself that it isn’t sexy. 

You shake your head. “No. Think nothing of it, but… umm… Well, this is a bit of an unexpected development.” 

Her face is nearly pure green, and you’re sure that yours is just as red. 

“Oh, umm… well, we don’t have to… we can purrtend it didn’t… happen,” she stutters. 

“No!” you say, a hand darting out to her. “I mean, um… I just… well, this all seems to be going a bit fast and… I just don’t think we should be so hasty. We should talk about this.”

“Oh,” she says. “Umm… if you think so.” 

“This is my fault,” you mutter. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have. I just…”

“I don’t think you have anything to be sorry fur,” she says. 

“Well, don’t you, I mean…” you chew at your still bleeding lip. “Don’t you have someone else? Back home?” 

She shakes her head, and your eyes widen. “No.”

“Oh, I thought you did,” you say. “Why not? I mean… you’re… well, you’re a very pretty girl, Nep.” 

She smiles. “I don’t know. I just have my meowrail, Equius.” 

“Yeah, him,” you say. “Isn’t he… you know?”

Her eyebrows furrow, and she looks pretty confused. “Did… did you think he was my matesprit?” 

It’s your turn to be confused. “Matesprit. Is that like… boyfriend?” 

Nepeta nods. “Equius is just my meowrail. Well, actually, it’s propounced moirail. I don’t think humans have a word fur it, but it’s kind of like… best furiend.”

You raise your eyebrows. “Oh… I just thought… since he didn’t seem to like me…” 

Nepeta smiles. “He’s just jealous because you get to take me on all sorts of adventures and he can’t come. That’s all.” 

“Oh… I guess I misjudged that then” you say. 

Nepeta nods. “It’s okay. I know that it’s diffurent fur humans. And… well, there was someone once… That’s kind of why I came on the show. I kind of just wanted to get away from him. Because… he loves someone else…” 

You nod. “I understand. I was sort of running away too. Trying to get away from an awkward past relationship of my own.” 

She nods looking down at the ground. 

You reach out a hand and cup her chin, nudging her to look up at you. 

“But… whoever that fellow was, who didn’t love you back… I think he must be a real chump. He doesn’t know what he’s missing.” 

A green tear falls from her face, and you wipe it away with your thumb. You lean forward. 

“Nep, if you don’t think this is to forward, I think I’d like to kiss you again.” 

She beats you to the punch and kisses you first. She licks at your bloody lip, and more than makes up for the pain. 

The kiss quickly becomes more active, and soon it’s somewhere in a grey area between making out and a very tender scrum. Before you really know what’s happening, the two of you have fallen over, and you’re on top of your squirming co-troll. 

You break away from her lips and admire her. “Umm… I should ask… how far did you want to go? You know, with this.” 

She makes a sound that seems like the combination of a giggle and a purr. “Well, Jake, as your troll-pal co-adventurer, I think this wouldn’t be very much of an adventure if we didn’t see it through to the end.” 

You smile. “Well, far be it from me to disagree.”

You kiss her again, and her hands caress down your sides. She pulls teasingly at the edges of your shirt, and then slips her hands underneath it. As her gloved hands caress you, you’re reminded of what is attached to said gloves. 

“Nep,” you whisper. “Perhaps we should disarm you before continuing.” 

She takes one hand and moves it to cup your face. 

“But Jake,” she whispers. She tenses the muscles in her hand in just the specific way needed to trigger her claws, and the blades whistle as they shoot out, missing your ear by a hair. “What are adventures without danger?” 

She tenses her other hand as well, and you hear the other set of claws shoot out as well, likely cutting the back of your shirt to ribbons. 

While slightly terrifying, you feel your shorts get noticeably tighter. 

“As always, you’re right,” you whisper. “And I wasn’t particularly fond of this shirt anyway.” 

You lean in to kiss her again, but she takes one hand to push you away slightly. You look at her in confusion, but you decide not to argue since she’s the one with the claws. 

She moves her clawed hand to your chest, the side of a cold blade resting on your face. She moves her hand down slowly, running the metal along your cheek, until the pointed edges of the claws are centered over your soft neck. She pulls her hand back, pointing the claws directly at you. She’d only need to punch forward just slightly to kill you.

“You trust me, right Jake?” she asks, a wicked smile on her lips. 

“More than anything,” you say. 

She flicks her wrist, and the blades slice into your shirt, separating the fabric as cleanly as if she were simply pulling down a zipper. You bite your lip as she rips her way down, the pointed tips of the blade scratching your skin, but not cutting. You tense slightly as she reaches the end of the shirt, her blades stopping—thank God, stopping—just before the noticeable bulge in your shorts. 

She seems to take notice of this fact as well. She raises an eyebrow as she investigates. She runs the blunt side of her claws against the fabric of your shorts, and you shudder in response. 

“I believe I’ve found something that needs exploring,” Nepeta says. 

You take her wrist and carefully guide her hand away, and avoiding the blades you kiss down her fingers until your lips reach her exposed wrist. 

“Let’s not be too hasty,” you say. “The way I see it, we’re not completely even yet.” 

You pull off the tattered remains of your shirt, and reach into your back pocket. Somehow, you managed to regain enough mental clarity to remember that you aren’t completely disarmed either. You pull out your pocket knife and flip it open in front of her. Her eyes seem to sparkle at the sight. 

You stab the knife down several inches away from her head, piercing through the floor of the tent. You probably could have gotten closer without hurting her, but you don’t trust yourself with blades as much as she does. Still, despite the distance, she shudders beneath you. 

You pull the blade out of the floor and run the wide flat side of the blade across her face, teasing down until it’s on her neck. 

“You really do like this, don’t you?” you ask her. 

She mutters something in Alternian, but you take her blush and her breathless expression as your answer. 

You tear into her shirt as she did to yours, teasing the tip of your blade against her skin. You realize that her skin is thicker than yours, but you don’t dare press any harder. Still your blade leaves a white scratch down her skin. 

Her fingers tangle into your hair, and you hear her two sets of claws clanging against each other above your head. 

You reach the bottom and push the flaps of fabric back. You realize it will be hard to get the shirt completely off with her claws extended. Seeing no other solution, you slip your blade into the sleeve of her shirt and cut up to her neck, stopping the blade just before it can cut. She moans, almost longing for the touch of the blade. 

You smile and repeat the process on the other side, pulling the now useless pieces of fabric away. Continuing to tease her with the blunt side of your blade, you take stock of the exposed chest in front of you. The first thing you notice is that apparently trolls don’t have nipples. Running a hand over her breasts doesn’t seem to provoke much more of a response than groping anything else. 

On her sides, however, are small dark circles. You run a finger over one, and she moans. 

“Ah, what are these?” you ask her. 

She doesn’t say anything, but instead continues purring—literally purring—and moaning beneath you. You decide to take a different approach. You continue teasing one of the marks as you capture her lips in your own. While kissing her, you slip your blade between the two of you, pressing the blade to her neck, just enough for her to feel the pressure. She gasps into your mouth. 

“What are they?” you ask, forcing your voice into a lower octave. 

“Grub scars,” she moans, breathlessly. “That’s where… my vestigial limbs used to be.” 

“Interesting,” you whisper to her. You make a note to ask her more about that a bit later, since you doubt vestigial legs are a good topic for pillow talk. 

You tease the side of the blade down her chest, while exploring her body with your free hand. You lower your head to nibble the flesh of her neck, and she bucks her hips. You’re afraid for a moment that she may have cut herself of the blade, but when no one seems to be bleeding, you press on. 

Her hands move down to your back, and she digs into your skin with her nails, scratching down your back. You remind yourself that no matter how much she digs in, it’s only a fraction of what she could do. 

You continue ever downward with the knife, teasing the exposed skin just above her pants. The sounds she makes are alien, but strangely hot. 

You pull away from her and stab the knife back into the ground near her head. You move your hand to her pants, undoing her belt and zipper as you pepper her stomach with kisses. You look up at her, and with a nod of consent you pull her pants down, revealing a set of blue panties. 

Moving your head down you grab the elastic band with your teeth, pulling it back and then snapping it against her. Her hips buck once again at the sensation. 

“You’re a tease, Jake,” she hisses. 

You only laugh. This time you oblige, and pull the panties completely off. You cock your head to one side, taking in the anatomy in front of you. 

“So, what have we here?” you ask. 

“Well, Jake,” she says, putting on her ‘co-host’ voice. “This is what the anatomy of an average female troll looks like.” 

“You anything but average, Nep,” you tell her. 

She winks, and moves her hand down, making you move to avoid being skewered on her claws. 

“Down here is what we call the bone bulge,” Nepeta says, resting her hands on her somewhat large pubic bone. “It purrtects the bulge, which you can see has already extended, due to the prowless of the male.” 

You waggle your eyebrows at her and reach around the claws to grab the long, twisting bulge that she mentioned. You curl your fingers around it and are shocked to see the thin member curl around your fingers in response. 

“I see,” you say. “So, this is normal for females? Do the males have them as well?” 

She nods, purring as you slowly stroke her bulge. “Yes. Males’ bulges are often longer, and sometimes thicker, but both males and females have the same basic equipurrment.” 

You smirk. You don’t think she intended to add that ‘purr’ to ‘equipment’ until you gave a slight tug that seemed to drive her crazy. 

She smirks at you in return. 

“So, what other kind of equipment will I find here?” 

“Well, if you head due south, you’ll find what’s called a nook. And if the state of the troll female’s bulge is any indication, than it should be more than ready for exploration.” 

With the hand that isn’t tangled in her bulge, you trace a line down her, and find the nook. You plunge a finger in, and you can tell it is quite wet. After moving the finger around a bit, you decide to add another. It is a lot tighter than you thought it would be… 

Before you can continue your explorations very far, Nepeta pulls away slightly and sits up. She retracts her claws, and reaches out towards your belt. 

“So, you’ve got to explore the troll body. Is it my turn?” she asks. 

You lean and nip at her nose. “By all means.” 

She makes quick of your belt and zipper, and doesn’t bother with the teasing that you went through. In seconds, your hard member is exposed to the open air and Nepeta’s fascinated gaze. 

“Oh… oh my…” she says. “What is…” 

“Well, you see Nep,” you tell her. “This is a human penis. Only the men have penises, and the women have the equivalent of nooks.” 

“I see,” Nepeta says. She brings her face closer, examining your penis from every angle. “Are all human males this… huge?” 

Your face goes redder, and you try not to grin too much. “Oh, well. Umm… it might be a bit… above average.” 

She wraps a hand around your member, and you shudder at the touch. Her hands are rough and calloused, yet gentle. Her face is still quite close. You hold your breath as her lips part, and she gives the head an experimental lick. You shudder and moan despite yourself. 

She takes advantage of your momentary incoherence, and knocks you over onto your back. She plants kisses up from your crotch to your face, eventually catching your lips. Her hands slip to your shoulders and then tense, sending the blades rushing out, just missing your neck and ears and stabbing into the ground. 

You can’t help but shudder. Jesus, she wasn’t even looking that time. 

You are now quite literally pinned down underneath her. She pulls away and holds herself over you. Her grin is both terrifying and sexy. 

“So, the question we want to answer today is will a human penis fit into a troll nook?” Nepeta says. “Are you up for finding out?” 

You buck your hips up, grinding against her. “Lead the way, co-troll.” 

She purrs and captures your mouth again. She moves down, wriggling her bottom to try to position her nook at just the right angle. You shift just a little and your head finds the wet entrance. 

Slowly—oh, good heavens, so slowly—she lowers herself onto you. You’re nearly overcome by just how tight she is. 

You see her face contort in pain as she moves against you. 

“Are you alright? Does it hurt?” you ask. 

“Purrfect,” she moans as she continues moving. 

You move a hand down between the two of you, and tangle your fingers in her bulge once again, stoking and teasing it. 

Your free hand stretches out and you manage to retrieve your knife. You wrap that arm around her, and run the blunt edge of the knife against the back her neck. 

She moans at the touch of steel, and her pace picks up considerably. 

“Oh, god. Oh, god, Nep, I… I won’t last much longer at this rate.” 

She smiles and bucks against you harder in response. 

You keep up your ministrations, running the blade along her, careful not to cut, but making sure she can feel the weapon. Her bulge writhes in your other hand as you squeeze and pull, taking guesses at what should feel good. 

It isn’t long before you feel yourself on the edge. Soon your body is convulsing and writhing, and you can’t hear anything over the rushing of blood in your ears.

As you slowly regain your senses, Nepeta falls onto you, writhing in a similar fashion. Her teeth dig into your shoulder as she convulses. You hardly feel anything though; not until she’s done. 

Her claws retract, and she rolls off of you. 

“I’m sorry I bit you,” she says with ragged breaths. “I just… couldn’t help it.”

You can tell your shoulder is bleeding though you can’t see it very well. Looking down at your chest and abdomen, you realize that you are completely covered in green fluid. 

You turn your head to the troll next to you, as she tiredly grins at you. 

“No problem at all, my dear,” you tell her. “Though, I think we’ll need a new tent.” 

“The purrducers might not be happy about that,” she says with a giggle. 

“I’m sure everything will go smoothly, unless they ask what happened to the old one.” 

You realize you’re still holding your knife. You deftly flip it closed and lock it before chucking it away. Your now free hand slips under Nepeta’s neck and pulls her closer to you until she’s resting her head on your shoulder. 

“We should purrobably get this mess cleaned up,” she purrs in your ear. “And when we get that new tent, maybe it should come with a bucket.” 

“Hmm, if the bucket means things like this will continue, then I am all in favor,” you say, pulling her close. “As for cleaning up, I am engaging in the human ritual of cuddling and enjoying the afterglow. Granted, it is not usually performed when covered in this much genetic material, but I’m doing the best I can.” 

She turns her head and kisses your neck. “Well, I certainly don’t want to be culturally insensitive, but… this stuff is only going to get stickier the longer we wait.” 

You ignore her, pulling her close. After a few moments, you have a brilliant solution. 

“Hey, Nep. How far away was that stream we found?” 

“Not far. Maybe a five minute walk, at most. Why?”

You smirk. “There’s another human practice known as skinny dipping…”


End file.
